Dear Dr. Ellen: I have been seeing a wonderful man for over a year now who I knew in college just as a friend. He has been divorced for 5 years and is a very successful lawyer. I am having relationship problems and I can't tell if it is "my stuff" or if I really have an issue. I used to model when I was young. He has pictures of me when I was 18 and on his walls in his bedroom and in his wallet. But he doesn't display or carry any current pictures of me. I am noticing how really angry I am feeling. Do I have a right to be bothered by this?
He also wants my hair short and he wants me to lose 10 pounds. And he offered to pay for me to have laser on my face after he told me that his ex had it and she looks great. I am afraid I have another man in my life that is more impressed with how I look than who I am. I have written on email what concerns me and he never takes the time to respond on email. He just tells me that he probably could never be as open as I would like him to be but he will try.
He loves his toys and gets excited like a little boy - his new skis, his new boat, his airplane etc. He talks mostly about physical things, never any deeper. He does see people in a loving, caring way and I really like that about him. He doesn't find fault in people and usually defends them and gives people the benefit of the doubt. He is sweet, kind, fun, a wonderful dad to his son and daughter, (raised his daughter alone) so he has a lot going for him but I can't decide whether this is my abandonment issues coming up or if I have another impossible relationship. I never feel like we talk about the really important things. It is surface. Am I too sensitive, too deep? Is he a man and this is what you get? - Barbara
Advice: Dear Barbara: You have every right to feel exactly like you do because your feelings are never right or wrong, Your "stuff" as you put it is exactly that. You are the sum total of your experiences.
Here is what I tell the men in my program. "A woman falls in love because of the way she feels about herself when she's with you. Most women have said that when they meet "Mr. Right" and they are in love, they feel beautiful, sexy, special, needed, and she has a RIGHT to feel like that for the rest of her life. So a truly, loving relationship is measured by how good she feels about herself when she's with you."
"Male approval is so important to a woman. A woman's father is the first man in her life that either gives approval or doesn't. If a woman didn't have a loving and doting father, she's going to spend the rest of her life looking for the approval she never got. As a man, you have to fill that gap. If you don't, she'll keep looking until she finds it. It's not something she can live without."
Barbara, you are talking to a woman who had her breast removed because of cancer and my husband could care less. I sat in support groups where women cried because their men couldn't make love to them anymore. I feel it is so important for someone to love you for who you are, especially as we get older. You are not a 19 year-old girl anymore, you are a woman. Here is a poem that I have kept for more than 10 years. It was from a book that is no longer in print called,
"Always A Woman"
by Kaylan Pickford
"She decided to be a model when she was in her late 40's. Don't tell me I want to look like some barely lived-in face. I have some lines in my face from fifty years of life. They tell me of years in the sun, of sorrows and joys. They tell me of time. They tell me I have lived and that I am still alive. They can't be erased. They can be softened, but not erased. They are as much a part of me as any part of my body. Do they offend? Would I be better looking, more interesting, without them? Would my life become magically different if they weren't there? If I could have kept my face smooth and unlined, would the events of my life have been different? Would I be different? Do I long to be the smooth-skinned, freckle-faced kid I once was? No. I long for the same thing today that I longed for then: to be the best I am able to be. I would feel strange if, looking in the mirror, knowing what I know, I did not see a line from life. Smooth skin goes with the young for every good reason - they have just started. They have living to do."
The fact that he loves his toys, and sees other people in a caring way and is a great dad is fantastic. But it still boils down to how you feel about yourself when you are with him. I have no problem with you wanting your hair short, losing 10 pounds or getting laser work done. I wanted all those things as well. The difference is that my husband said that he loves me just the way I am and if it's something that I want, it's fine with him. If the man I loved only carried a picture of me when I was 19 and was the one suggesting that that I diet, change my hair and laser my face, I'd feel exactly like you do. You deserve to have a man who loves you with all his heart and soul and don't you dare settle for anything less. - Dr.Ellen
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