Love is No Guarantee! What you Need to Know before You fall in Love
Do I love you because
I need you or do I need you
because I love you?
— Erich Fromm
What does it mean when you say to someone "I love you?" There are many answers and interpretations to this question, but when asked, the majority of people said that love is something they feel but cannot explain in words. People who genuinely feel they have fallen in love report a warm fuzzy inner feeling, sometimes giddiness. And, according to Psychiatrist Donatella Marazziti, of the University of Pisa, "Falling madly in love may really make you mentally ill."
People constantly ask, "How will I know when it's true love? How can I be certain if and when it hits me?" In an attempt to provide answers to these questions, our interviewers asked dozens of people who said that they had experienced the feeling of falling in love. Their answers and my own experiences over the years led me to the following conclusions:
People who fall in love recognize a strong force that draws them close to each other. Sometimes this force can be a strong physical attraction, which psychologists say is an important ingredient in romantic love. Sometimes, it's more than that. And modern research suggests that over the centuries, our bodies have developed processes to ensure we fall in love with the opposite sex, according to anthropologist Helen E. Fisher PhD.
A Biological explanation
An individual may begin a sexual liaison with a partner sometimes purely for sexual pleasure, then discover that he/she feels a strong attraction for the partner. In many such instances, one or both parties may mistake this attraction for lasting love. Many of us are no doubt aware of how costly such mistakes can be. Helen E. Fisher, PhD., in her study "Brains Do It: Lust, Attraction and Attachment," says that this attraction can be explained biologically. She discovered that, after orgasm, there is a rise in levels of the hormones vasopressin in men and oxytocin in women. These hormones are known for their attachment-causing properties, which led Fisher to conclude that the presence of these chemicals in the body is responsible for the closeness many couples experience after sexual intercourse.
A study referenced in an article in Cerebrum, a Dana Forum on Brain Science further explains three systems associated with mating, reproduction, and parenting. These systems are called Lust, Attraction, and Attachment.
Lust: This is nature's way of ensuring that a male and a female are sufficiently motivated to engage in the mating process.
Attraction: This system keeps both parties passionately focused on each other until insemination is accomplished. Fisher sees the evolution of the attraction system as a way for individuals to select and maintain focus on the most eligible partner. Individuals thought to be genetically superior were, and still are, considered to be more desirable as mating partners.
Attachment: This emotion system (termed 'compassionate love') has evolved to ensure that offspring are nurtured and cared for. The increased levels of the hormones vasopressin and oxytocin mentioned above indicates nature's intention to keep parents together for joint parenting, at least until offspring are able to care for themselves. It is interesting to note that the report suggests Lust and Attraction does not always go hand in hand. When men and women were injected with testosterone- a hormone known to increase sexual desire-their sex drives did increase but they did not fall in love.
In this report, Fisher also refers to studies carried out by D. Marazzitti and associates who concluded that falling in love is associated with low levels of the hormone serotonin. But according to Marazzitti, this chemical balance in humans does not remain constant, confirming that passionate attraction does not last forever. She noted that, when tested after a while, the levels of serotonin in the bodies of infatuated men and women change, returning to similar levels observed in subjects who had not fallen in love. Marazzitti and her team established the duration of infatuation between lovers from a period of 12 to 18 months.
This research is important because it explains how our biological system works in concert with our emotional processes. Whenever we find a suitable partner, we can then rely on our chemical and biological systems to assist us in achieving our emotional goals. And when we find that our partners seem less attracted to us, it does not necessarily mean they have fallen out of love with us. It may simply mean their biological processes are performing normally.
People say they are seeking their soul mates-the one person who shares how they view life itself, their most important values, and the driving force that moves them. Nathaniel Branden, PhD, says "When we meet another person, we sense how that individual experiences him or herself. We sense the level of that person's excitement or the lack of it. Our instant attraction or non attraction is automatic because our bodies and emotions respond faster than thought can take shape in words."
Each person is a unique being. What we sense at this moment is that the other person possesses what it takes to complement our lives. We sense that a union with such a person can bring new possibilities, which can make our existence richer. This is not to say this newfound person is the only one who can be right. There may be others. For this reason, it has been concluded that, for each person, more than one soul mate exists, according to Andrea N. Jones of Youth Outlook, a newspaper published by Pacific News Service.
This instant identification of compatibility can take place on your first contact or later as you become more familiar with each other. And because the events are too rapid for your logical thought processes, all you know is that you sense this instant connection but cannot explain reasons for it.
Later on, as you become more familiar with your partner and begin to understand his/her way of being, reactions to, and expression of emotions etc., you may be able to identify similarities, thus explaining the initial mutual attraction. It's true that the initial attraction can bring couples together, but love goes much deeper than that.
Falling In Love Is Not Being In Love
Many people meet, are attracted to each other, and fall in love but do not live happily ever after. Why? Because most of them are confused by the meaning of love.
Let's look at an explanation of love; there are many, but this one seems most accurate. When you love someone, you value that person highly-so highly that you have made a choice to offer your resources to nurture the one you love. You have also chosen to place her/his well-being and development as your highest priority. Yes, it is a choice, and to make a choice, you need information. Information gathering requires time. For this reason, there is no such thing as true love at first sight.
However, to offer yourself in this case does not mean to sacrifice or deprive you of resources. Most people relate "giving" to "relieving oneself of resources." But psychologists familiar with human behavior observe that "giving love" has a different meaning. When you give love, you experience strength, joy, and aliveness.
Therefore, those who give of themselves are bestowing on another the most precious gift they have to offer: their joys, their understandings, and their love for life. To them, these things are more valuable than money, yet they are willing to give them freely. Then something wonderful happens. By giving, they enrich another's life with the same joy, aliveness, and understanding that is a part of them. When all of these good things enhance the other person's life, that person radiates those feelings, giving birth to a new joy, which can be shared by them both. So by giving love, people automatically receive love in return, even though they do not give it with this intention.
Why Do We Need Love?
The greatest thing we ever learn is
to love and give love in return."
— Nat King Cole, Miles Davis
From the moment we are born and even before, nature provides us with the security of a mother's love. Without that love, it would be difficult to survive. A mother's love is synonymous with care, protection, and nurturing. Our relationship with "mother" represented our first perception of love. As we progressed in life, we learned that love means taking care of our own well-being.
It has been said that mother's love is the purest form of love that exists, love that requires nothing more than being alive. Some people continue to seek this kind of love in other relationships even after they have grown up and become adults. A friend of mine said his mother once told him if he could find a woman who can tolerate his faults the way that she (his mother) can, he should marry her immediately. My friend is nearly 50 years old and not yet married.
Mother's love, by its very nature, is one-sided; one party gives while the other receives. In romantic and other forms of love, equality rules; both parties mutually share giving and receiving. Relationships other than those between mother and child, which are built on inequality, stand little chance of survival. Of course we all know of relationships of exploitation where both parties are dependent on each other; the "exploiter" needs someone to exploit and the "dependent" one needs to be exploited. Such relationships function as long as such mutual dependency continues to exist.
Companionship
In addition to the basic need for existence, humans have always exhibited the need for companionship. People need at least one person with whom to share intimacy and their most important values of life.
People also need to find things, we value, things which give us pleasure, which we can love, which give us a reason for living. We have seen that people who find themselves alone due to the loss of loved ones and simply choose to be alone may keep a pet or a plant in their home. Remember, a healthy plant will not only bring life into your space, but also absorb toxins in the air.
Need for appreciation
In the year 2001, a CNN opinion poll named U.S. President George Bush "the most loved man in America." Bush has gained the approval of the American people for his effort in the war against terrorism. American people have recognized Bush and shown appreciation for his personal dedication and sacrifice. But why does he do it? Why does a man who has obviously had many great successes in his life continue to strive for even higher levels of excellence?
Many will say such men are driven by the need for power. This may be true, but psychological studies have linked the need for power with the desire to be loved. Many winners of the Academy awards for Motion Pictures have said their struggles are fueled by their need to be loved and appreciated by their fans. It is a fact that people who have achieved great levels of success in their lives are usually admired, respected, and loved for their achievements.
Is love forever?
Debbie, 33, a credit collector for a shipping company, recently ended a three-year relationship. "From the moment I met Jerry, I knew he was right for me but experience taught me to proceed cautiously. After about four months of dating, I decided my first impressions were right; he was everything I always wanted in a man. We had three happy years together and Jerry repeatedly told me how contented he was to have found someone with whom he could share his life.
"We did everything together, took business courses, went on vacations, even saw the same movies. Living together was comfortable, but for some reason the thought of marriage never appealed to me. We had talked about having a family some day, but whenever Jerry brought up the subject, I felt I was not yet ready. Jerry wanted to take our relationship to the next level but I felt comfortable with the way things were. For the first time in our relationship, it dawned on me that my relationship with Jerry may not be forever. This frightened me because I truly loved him but I knew that I was not ready to get married to him.
"When I finally realized Jerry really wanted marriage, a strange thing happened. I began to feel uneasy with our relationship. Things were not like before; I lost some of my excitement and desire to be with him. It's as if I was inconsiderate to him after he had been so good to me. I felt like I did not deserve to be with him. We finally agreed to go our separate ways, and even though I miss him, I feel that somewhere along the way the love I had for him was lost.
"It's been four years since Jerry and I ended our relationship, and I am still trying to understand what happened between us. I've been seeing other guys, but so far I have not experienced the closeness I had with Jerry. My friends tell me I'm not yet ready to settle down with anyone, and maybe there're right. In my relationship with Jerry I felt free to be myself. We lived together like buddies without feeling tied down to each other, (at least that's the way I felt). When he became serious about marriage, I no longer saw him as a buddy, but as someone who was going to tie me down. I just got scared."
Do you believe this relationship was one of true love? Some may say it was a mistake because Debbie and Jerry were not truly compatible and should not have been together in the first place.
In my opinion, this relationship was successful because both participants enjoyed three fulfilling years of their lives together. Someone once said if you can have one moment of true happiness in your life, grab it because true happiness is not easy to find.
Love is a living entity; if it stands still, it could die. To be alive means to move forward and go where life's journey takes you. Love may die only to be reborn again in a different form. Perhaps both Jerry and Debbie will move on to find love in different places, but they will always cherish the love they once shared with each other.
Brilliant post! You speak well of a delicate balancing act between living well the life we presently possess as single...and the truth that our hearts long to be held dear to another. One hopes for it, and at the same time dreads the risks involved. And sometimes wonders if the peaceful routine of single life isn't perhaps just fine as it is.
My life as a single woman is full. I am not bored. But I want to be dear to someone. I am in fact dear to many, but it has eluded me to become especially dear to someone who is especially dear to me.
I know exactly what you mean. Exactly.
It would be so cool if all of us could get together for Beerz sometime. :-)
Misery loves company, although I find that the resultant bonhomie of being in good company dispels said misery. Or maybe it waz the beerz.
Warren
Warren,
Misery loves company, and joy does all the more.
Despite what the old polka song says, "In heaven there is no beer, that's why we drink it here," I like to think that all those Belgian Trappists are still contentedly brewing away in their celestial home.
It would be so cool if all of us could get together for Beerz sometime. :-)
In that day, should I find myself glorified in body and joyful in heaven, I will celebrate my surprise and amazement by finding you and buying the first round. Here on Earth, with my fallen body and soul, I will stick to coffee; should you find yourself in New York you are welcome to join in the adventures of the St. Philip Neri Fun Club.
Blessings,
FS
Ahh! Coffee is good.
Well, I make excellent Coffee. With the Beanz fresh roasted at home.
:-)
W
Thanks, Fallen Sparrow! Great reply.
Well, thank you. I do my best....
Dear Mr. F. ~
Excellent post! Thank you for continuing this most interesting and timely discussion.
I will meditate on the subject a bit at Holy Hour tonight, as well as pray for all singles and hopefully will be able to post something tomorrow.
Blessings.